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First of all, you're not a freak. You have issues that you are dealing with.

@sjaeger172004 First and most importantly, you are NOT a freak! You are dealing with a messed up lot in life the best you can. Stay in touch with your psychiatrist and other support, and keep after the doctors to get a solution.

Been there, done that. I had severe urge incontinence with a neurogenig dyssynergia sphincter (blockage). The pain would get unbearable, and happened all too often. It tried it all, meds were ineffective and/or came with worse side effects. An interstim implant actually made things worse. And the only relief I ever had was when I was catheterized. Worst still was most urologist were quacks who refused to even believe I had a problem (I couldn't complete a urodynamics test by peeing out the catheter due to my blockage). Eventually I met a urologist at the Mayo Clinic, and he actually believed my complaints and worked with me to get that diagnosis. But I was so bad by that point I had multiple hemorrhoids, a bleeding anal fissure, gout, and indications my kidneys were in danger of shutting down. He wanted to do a stoma surgery (literally make a new pee hole), but i convinced him to do a series of sphincterotomy surgeries instead. He still hesitated saying the surgery would make me incontinent and reliant on diapers. But I countered it wouldn't since I had long ago already been urge incontinent and reliant on diapers. It ultimately took 15 surgeries, including removing my prostate! But I am finally able to live without constant pain. And with a plus of not floodings my diaeprs and worrying about leaks. Totally worth it. So yeah, you're not a freak for wanting to be diapered. Ps. I say when life gives you lemons, you learn to like lemonade. And when life gives you incontinence, you learn to like diapers.

Chestnut, my nightmare would be to have a fecal accident in public and not be able to immediately change. I have agonized during foreign travel about situations that could trap me in such a situation -like a small tour group in a van.😱 --John

I agree that it is the ultimate taboo. And it is hard to hide esp when you can't change for a while.

I'm a Northshore fan as well, I use the black pull ups on a daily basis!

@John Davis: I fortunate enough to mostly not need to deal with this at this point in time. However, the last medication added definitely has an impact on on the lower GI track. I would say based on how things are now, I used to be constipated. Based on how I "sense" things, I think I get away with more of timed toileting (around meals, mainly near breakfast), as urges in both areas may have short timers before I need to be in the bathroom. If I ever have a stroke, I expect it will be game over in this area -- at least for a while during recovery. So, at this point, it is just "incontinent" for me.

That's why Store brought diapers are pure crap. It's why I would never use store diapers because I would leak for flood them As for shipping them to places other than home. I know Fedex and UPS have their own ship centers and even Fedex office allows you to ship items to a nearest Fedex office to pick up your diapers.

I can't second this enough. The whole point of a diaper is to not leak. If it does, then you need a better diaper. Sadly, "better" is NOT something you can find in any pharmacy or food store. In the US anyways. Online really is the only sure way to find what you need. And northshorecare IS one of them. Note: Yes you CAN get them online. Many stores sell pre-paid visa cards. Just add enough for you order and you can use it for online purchases. FedEx and UPS also allow for shipping to other than your address too. Just verify where first (often wallgreens, wallmart, other drop locations or even their nearest distribution center can hold a package for pickup).