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First of all, you're not a freak. You have issues that you are dealing with.

@sjaeger172004 First and most importantly, you are NOT a freak! You are dealing with a messed up lot in life the best you can. Stay in touch with your psychiatrist and other support, and keep after the doctors to get a solution.

Been there, done that. I had severe urge incontinence with a neurogenig dyssynergia sphincter (blockage). The pain would get unbearable, and happened all too often. It tried it all, meds were ineffective and/or came with worse side effects. An interstim implant actually made things worse. And the only relief I ever had was when I was catheterized. Worst still was most urologist were quacks who refused to even believe I had a problem (I couldn't complete a urodynamics test by peeing out the catheter due to my blockage). Eventually I met a urologist at the Mayo Clinic, and he actually believed my complaints and worked with me to get that diagnosis. But I was so bad by that point I had multiple hemorrhoids, a bleeding anal fissure, gout, and indications my kidneys were in danger of shutting down. He wanted to do a stoma surgery (literally make a new pee hole), but i convinced him to do a series of sphincterotomy surgeries instead. He still hesitated saying the surgery would make me incontinent and reliant on diapers. But I countered it wouldn't since I had long ago already been urge incontinent and reliant on diapers. It ultimately took 15 surgeries, including removing my prostate! But I am finally able to live without constant pain. And with a plus of not floodings my diaeprs and worrying about leaks. Totally worth it. So yeah, you're not a freak for wanting to be diapered. Ps. I say when life gives you lemons, you learn to like lemonade. And when life gives you incontinence, you learn to like diapers.

Chestnut, my nightmare would be to have a fecal accident in public and not be able to immediately change. I have agonized during foreign travel about situations that could trap me in such a situation -like a small tour group in a van.😱 --John

I agree that it is the ultimate taboo. And it is hard to hide esp when you can't change for a while.

@John Davis: I fortunate enough to mostly not need to deal with this at this point in time. However, the last medication added definitely has an impact on on the lower GI track. I would say based on how things are now, I used to be constipated. Based on how I "sense" things, I think I get away with more of timed toileting (around meals, mainly near breakfast), as urges in both areas may have short timers before I need to be in the bathroom. If I ever have a stroke, I expect it will be game over in this area -- at least for a while during recovery. So, at this point, it is just "incontinent" for me.